Leading is emotional. Whether you are leading on the battlefield, in the boardroom, or in your home, the decisions you make may very well have lasting ramifications for the people you are leading and for your own life. One of the most important roles of a leader is to make decisions, and not just any decisions, but the best decision you can given the timeline and information you have on hand. Making difficult decisions can be inherently stressful and when stress is present, so are emotions. Now layer in shifting deadlines, contingencies, delays, bad information, competitor innovation, unstable markets, and a host of other compounding factors, and you can begin to see why leading is an inherently emotional endeavor.
Thus, the ability to control your emotions is a paramount skill of effective leadership. Emotional discipline is key to making sound decisions and influencing those around you. Being emotionally disciplined does not mean a leader must become an unemotional robot who lacks empathy or the ability to relate to those around them. Instead, it is an understanding that when it comes time to make a decision, a leader must Detach from their emotions in order to identify the best decision. Unfortunately, Detaching is difficult. The good news is that it is also a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned and developed over time. In this article, we will examine the steps leaders can take to control their emotions.
Embrace Extreme Ownership
The cornerstone of effective leadership is Extreme Ownership. Ownership is also a mindset that can significantly aid in controlling emotions by emphasizing personal responsibility and accountability for one’s feelings and actions. By adopting this approach, individuals learn to recognize that their emotional responses are not the fault of external circumstances or other people but are within their own control. This realization shifts the focus from blaming external factors to examining one’s own thoughts, beliefs, and reactions.
By taking full responsibility for their emotions, individuals can actively choose how to respond rather than being led by impulsive reactions. This involves acknowledging emotional triggers and working to understand the underlying causes of these feelings. For instance, rather than reacting with anger or frustration in a challenging situation, Ownership encourages a person to pause, understand they are having an emotional reaction, which is natural, and then reflect on why they are feeling this way in order to consider the most constructive response. This process fosters self-awareness and mindfulness, enabling better emotional regulation and decision-making.
Moreover, Ownership encourages individuals to seek continuous improvement, turning emotional challenges and personal failures into opportunities for growth and learning. If you fail to control your emotions, Ownership allows you to examine the factors that led to your failure to regulate your emotions and thus implement solutions to better control them in the future. By viewing emotional control as a skill to be honed, individuals are more likely to approach situations with a calm, focused, and solutions-oriented mindset, ultimately leading to better decision-making, stronger relationships, and a greater sense of personal empowerment.
Detach from the Situation
Your best tool for gaining control over your emotions is learning to Detach. Detaching from your emotions is a skill that allows you to assess the situation objectively, consider different perspectives, and evaluate the potential consequences of various actions. Detaching also allows you to understand that emotions are simply our initial mental response to different scenarios, and not an uncontrollable reaction that you are left powerless against.
When emotions run high, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Detaching doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means stepping back to gain perspective. Practice pausing and observing the situation objectively. This mental distance allows you to assess the reality of the situation and make decisions based on logic rather than impulse.
Two times during my Naval career I was the Officer-in-Charge of training at different levels. In both of these roles, part of my job was mentoring the next generation of leaders in our community. Outside of the actual tactics they needed to master, the most significant skill I worked to develop with them was the skill of Detaching. Combat, like life, is full of stressors and problems that typically occur simultaneously and seem to need our immediate response. For many young leaders in our community who were experiencing their first real combat leadership position, their initial reaction would be to either delay taking action or to try and solve all of their problems at the same time. Either method they employed resulted in the same outcome. Failure. Both failures stemmed from the same factor. They were making an emotional decision. Either to delay acting because they were feeling the pressure of decision making or to try and solve every problem at once because they were feeling overwhelmed.
When I would see either of these scenarios unfolding, I would pull the leader aside and tell them to Detach, to remove themselves emotionally and, at times, physically from the problems for just a few moments. Once they were Detached, I would have them look around and describe to me all the problems they were currently experiencing and then ask them which problem would have the biggest impact on their mission if they solved it right now. All of a sudden, the answer would become clear to these young leaders because, for the first time, they were completely Detached from their emotions. When you can remain Detached in stressful situations or when problem-solving, you will see things no one else can see, and the best decision will become clear.
No one is born with the ability to Detach. It is difficult, but it is a skill that anyone can learn. The good news and the bad news is that life will provide you with multiple opportunities to practice Detaching every single day. The key to learning to Detach is understanding your emotional warning signs. At Echelon Front call these Red Flags. A Red Flag is the body’s physiological response to stressful or emotionally charged situations. Maybe your Red Flag is that you become angry and start yelling. Maybe you do the opposite and shut down. Maybe your face begins to flush, or you begin to feel warm. All of these, and many others, are common Red Flags. You need to understand your Red Flags so that if you find yourself in a situation where they begin to appear, you become aware of the need to Detach yourself emotionally. That could mean pausing a conversation, taking a few deep breaths, or even completely removing yourself from the situation until you are in a better state of mind. Whichever course of Detaching you choose, the resulting outcome will inevitably be much more beneficial to everyone involved.
Implement Decentralized Command
Decentralized Command is about empowering others to take responsibility and make decisions. By trusting your team, your peers, or your family and distributing leadership, you reduce the pressure on yourself, which can help manage stress and emotional responses. Decentralized command is a powerful approach that can significantly reduce stress within teams. By empowering team members to make decisions, leaders share the load of execution and allow everyone to focus on their specific tasks. This approach builds trust and fosters a sense of ownership among team members, enabling quick and decisive action.
Decentralized command also helps eliminate uncertainty and chaos and replaces them with clarity and order. With each team member taking responsibility for their part of the mission, leaders can maintain a strategic (Detached) overview without being overwhelmed by details. This reduces stress and creates a more resilient, adaptive, and efficient team that can confidently achieve its goals. And, when problems do occur, the leader already has a Detached perspective of the problem and will be able to identify the proper course of action.
Focus on the Mission
Leaders are often faced with distractions that can cause emotional responses. Keeping your focus on the mission at hand helps to prioritize actions and emotions. Ask yourself, “What is the ultimate goal?” Redirect your energy towards accomplishing the mission, and let go of emotions that do not serve that purpose.
Focusing on your mission is a powerful way to reduce stress because it helps you maintain clarity and direction amidst chaos. When you have a clear mission, it acts as a guiding star, allowing you to prioritize tasks and make decisions with confidence. This focus helps eliminate distractions and uncertainty, which are often major contributors to stress. By channeling your energy and attention toward your mission, you can break down overwhelming challenges into manageable steps, making it easier to stay composed and resilient. Additionally, a strong sense of purpose can provide motivation and a sense of fulfillment, making stressful situations feel more like opportunities for growth rather than obstacles. This focus keeps you grounded and empowers you to tackle challenges head-on with determination and confidence.
Self-Discipline
A disciplined lifestyle is an excellent way to regulate your emotions. Discipline in diet, exercise, and work habits is the cornerstone for emotional regulation and overall well-being. By adhering to a disciplined lifestyle, individuals gain greater control over their physical and mental states, improving emotional resilience.
A consistent diet fuels the body and mind with the necessary nutrients for optimal performance, while regular exercise releases endorphins that elevate mood and reduce stress. Disciplined work habits foster a sense of accomplishment and purpose, which are crucial for maintaining a positive mindset. Together, these practices cultivate a structured environment where emotions can be managed more effectively, leading to enhanced decision-making, productivity, and leadership capabilities. Embracing discipline in these areas also builds mental toughness empowering individuals to face challenges with a calm and focused demeanor.
Be Humble
Humility is a critical attribute for emotional regulation and effective leadership. Humility allows leaders to acknowledge their limitations and recognize that they don’t have all the answers. This mindset fosters a willingness to seek feedback and learn from others, creating an environment where personal and professional growth is prioritized. By embracing humility, individuals become more aware of their emotions, enabling them to respond to challenges with composure and thoughtfulness rather than reacting impulsively. Humility also enhances emotional intelligence by promoting empathy and active listening, strengthening interpersonal relationships and building trust within teams. When leaders are humble, they can better understand and manage the emotions of their team members, fostering a collaborative and supportive atmosphere. Moreover, humility helps leaders remain adaptable and open-minded in the face of adversity, allowing them to navigate complex situations with clarity and confidence. By cultivating humility, leaders not only improve their emotional regulation skills but also set a powerful example for their teams, ultimately driving a culture of continuous improvement, resilience, and success.
Be Calm But Not Robotic
Lastly, it is vital to understand that controlling emotions is about enhancing, rather than diminishing, human connection and empathy. Emotional control does not mean suppressing feelings or becoming robotic; rather, it involves developing the ability to respond thoughtfully and deliberately, even in high-pressure situations. By practicing all of the steps outlined in this article, leaders can maintain clarity and make sound decisions without losing touch with the human aspect of leadership. This involves recognizing and acknowledging emotions in oneself and others and using that awareness to guide interactions and decisions. By maintaining emotional balance, leaders can demonstrate genuine empathy and understanding, creating a supportive environment that fosters trust and collaboration within the team as they work towards achieving their mutual goal. Emotional control, when coupled with empathy, enables leaders to navigate complex challenges with clarity, decisiveness, and compassion, ultimately building stronger, more resilient teams. The key is not to eliminate emotions but to channel them effectively in order to lead your teams and your families to victory.
Conclusion
In the dynamic leadership landscape, the ability to control emotions is not just an asset but a necessity. Embracing emotional discipline enables leaders to navigate the complexities of decision-making with a clear and focused mindset. By applying the principles outlined in this article—such as Extreme Ownership, Detachment, Decentralized Command, and maintaining focus on the mission—leaders can cultivate a balanced approach that prioritizes empathy and strategic thinking. It is essential to remember that regulating your emotions is not about suppressing emotions or losing touch with the human element of leadership. Rather, it is about understanding and identifying your emotions in order to foster connection, inspire trust, and drive success. By practicing self-discipline, humility, and calmness, leaders can create a resilient and adaptive environment where teams thrive. As you continue your leadership journey, embrace the challenge of detaching, and watch as it transforms your ability to lead with confidence, decisiveness, and purpose. Through this journey, you’ll not only enhance your decision-making skills but also cultivate stronger relationships and a culture of continuous improvement and growth, ultimately guiding your teams and families to victory.
