One of the most dangerous things a leader can allow – on a team, in a family, or in themselves – is a victim mentality.
I’ve seen it firsthand in the Marine Corps, business, parenting, and people from all walks of life. It doesn’t discriminate. The victim mindset can show up in the most talented individuals, and when it does, it kills ownership, accountability, and growth.
Let’s be clear: facing hardship is one thing. Life will hit hard. But constantly blaming others, avoiding responsibility, and waiting to be rescued? That’s a victim mindset. And it has no place in a culture of leadership.
When you learn how to deal with a victim mentality, you gain the ability to lead oneself and others out of it.
What Does a Victim Mentality Sound Like?
You’ve probably heard the following phrases. Maybe you’ve even caught yourself saying them.
- “It’s not my fault.”
- “Why does this always happen to me?”
- “Nobody listens to me.”
- “I can’t win no matter what I do.”
It’s subtle at first. It feels justified. But left unchecked, it becomes a pattern of disempowerment, and that pattern spreads fast, especially if you’re in a leadership role.
Why It’s So Dangerous
Victimhood is contagious. One person operating from a victim mindset on a team can derail momentum, lower morale, and drag down everyone around them. In a family or organization, a culture takes root where blame replaces solutions, and excuses replace progress.
Even worse, it blinds people to what they can control. In leadership, that’s unacceptable. The moment we stop owning our role, we stop leading.
“You cannot lead others until you lead yourself—and you cannot lead yourself if you’re stuck blaming everyone else.”
How to Change Victim Mentality
Whether it’s in yourself or someone you lead, here’s how to deal with a victim mentality:
1. Own One Thing
You can’t fix everything overnight. But you can own something today. Your attitude. Your effort. Your tone. Start small—and let ownership grow from there.
2. Shift the Questions
Replace victim questions like: “Why is this happening to me?” with “What’s my next move?” or “What can I learn, or what part of this do I own?” The shift in language creates a change in mindset.
3. Welcome Accountability
Isolation fuels the victim mentality. But honest accountability and feedback can break it. Befriend a group of trusted agents. These should be people who genuinely want to see you win. Even if their honest feedback isn’t what you want to hear, find people who challenge, not coddle you.
These three actions are instrumental for knowing how to deal with a victim mentality.
Leading Others Out of a Victim Mindset
If you’re in a leadership role, here’s your responsibility:
- Don’t ignore it. Victim thinking spreads if you tolerate it.
- Don’t shame it. Call it out with clarity and care.
- Coach with questions. Help people see what they can own.
Here are the approaches you should try:
“I hear you. But what’s something within your control right now?”
“What do we learn from this?”
“What can we do differently moving forward?”
Reward those who take ownership by supporting them when they move forward. Starve off excuses.
Final Thought
Leadership begins where excuses end. Adversity is unavoidable, but leaders arise by taking ownership even when it’s hard, it hurts, or feels unfair.
If you want to lead in your family, on your team, or in your organization, you have to kill the victim mindset at the root. It won’t happen overnight. But the first step is always the same:
Own what’s yours.
Control what you can.
And move forward with discipline, clarity, and strength.
