One of the core principles of Echelon Front’s leadership philosophy is that we are not only Leaders at work. We are Leaders in every capacity in our lives. At work, in our communities, within ourselves, and most importantly, in our families. Quite commonly, it is easy for most of us who are parents to see that we are the Leaders of the family within our household. However, also quite commonly, we fail to view Leadership widely enough. We forget that we are also the Leaders of our extended family. And we forget that we are not the only Leaders within our household. Our kids, of any age, are also Leaders.
Despite this, and while all the same Leadership principles apply regardless of the position from which we are leading, Family Leadership is one of the most difficult and unique forms of Leadership. Thus, it is important to consider the questions, “What is family leadership” and “How can I improve family leadership?”
What is Family Leadership, and How is it Unique?
In principle, Family Leadership is no different from any other type of Leadership. It is simply influencing other people to work in relation to a common goal. However, in practice, it is quite different from the most common place we find ourselves actively utilizing Leadership skills: at work. So, what is family leadership?
What is Family Leadership? Leadership where there is no set hierarchy.
At work, Leadership is somewhat formalized by the creation of a hierarchy, official roles, and titles. When someone joins the company, they agree that they will adhere to this hierarchy. While there is some semblance of that in the family, there is no official hierarchy, and people most certainly do not officially agree upon adherence to one.
At work, the official hierarchy, while not a tool for Leadership, can tend to streamline things slightly. At home, where there is no official hierarchy, we do not have that crutch available. In fact, while at work people have a modicum of belief that they have to do what you, the boss, say, at home, people quite commonly feel the opposite. They don’t believe that they have to do what you say, and in fact quite often seek to do the opposite of what you say. Anyone with kids has fond memories of instructing their kids about a danger, only to witness them completely ignore their advice and suffer the advised consequences.
Which is why Leadership Skills like Decentralized Command, Alignment, and the Indirect Approach are even more crucial. We have to ensure that our family is in agreement on where we are heading as a family. What is our goal as a family? We have to ensure that everyone understands why we are doing what we are doing as a family, and how the actions they take affect not only them, but the whole family. We have to prevent ourselves from relying upon positions of authority, and instead, indirectly try to influence our family in the right direction.
What is Family Leadership? Leadership that is not Glorious
At work, or on teams that are outside of our family, there is a uniqueness to the role of a Leader that comes with a small amount of glory that feeds our ego. When you are a good boss, you get feedback to that effect. You get compliments. You hear things. You get thanked. All of this gives us the attention and validation that our ego seeks. Additionally, when you are in a position of authority at work, people in your life outside of work tend to think more highly of you.
On the other hand, at home, while they are often felt by our family members, we quite often do not receive such accolades. Sometimes, the most common feedback we hear is criticisms. Additionally, most people outside of the family do not give you any kind of additional praise or higher considerations simply due to the fact that you are a good partner and parent. Most people simply see that as par for the course.
Thus, Family Leadership is not glorious. It doesn’t get you consistent direct attention and accolades. Due to that, our ego will tend to dismiss it and deprioritize it. Due to this deprioritization, when we have limited energy at the end of the day, we will naturally want to put less energy into it.
Thus, Family Leadership is a type of Leadership where it is especially important to put your ego in check. It is a place where it is especially important to fight all of the tendencies that prevent us from taking Ownership.
What is Family Leadership? The Most Important and Powerful Place to Lead
Somewhat counterintuitively, while the ego will deprioritize Family Leadership as a result of the lack of self-aggrandizing accolades, it is the most important and powerful place where we can utilize the skills of Leadership.
There is no one on Earth that has made decisions that advanced their career at the destruction of their family, who has looked back on those decisions and decided they wouldn’t have changed anything. In fact, at the end of our lives, people will hardly ever spend too much time thinking about what they did at work, and will spend the vast majority of that time thinking about what they did with their families while they are surrounded by the people who have been the most important people in their lives.
Then, after our death comes, the most important legacy we will leave behind is the people whom we raised that will continue forward to make the world a better place.
Family Leadership is the most important place to exercise the skills of Leadership. It is the most important place to utilize Cover and Move, and support your most important team, your family. It is the most important place to build, maintain, and strengthen the most important relationships you will ever have. For the sake of your children, their children, and all the children that come after.
How Can I Improve Family Leadership?
Considering the vast importance of Family Leadership, we should all be constantly seeking to improve the way we lead our families on a daily basis. Luckily, in the same way that in principle, Leadership is the same at work and at home, the same procedure applies to improve our Family Leadership as our Leadership at work.
What it boils down to is being intentional about improvement. What is being intentional? It is coming up with a plan, executing the plan, debriefing the plan, and repeating that process.
How Can I Improve Family Leadership? Create a Plan
In order to improve Family Leadership, you must start the day with a plan around what you want to improve. Pick one skill of Leadership, or one aspect of a skill of Leadership that you seek to improve that day. Determine a way that you can improve it. Write it down. Keep it at the forefront of your mind. Then, when you see an opportunity, execute your plan.
For example, one of the most difficult skills at home is the skill of Detachment. If you want to improve your Detachment at home, first recognize that you need to do it. Then, identify your Red Flags and Danger Areas. Then, determine a way that you can physically force yourself to detach when your Red Flags arise, or when you enter into a Danger Area.
How Can I Improve Family Leadership? Execute Your Plan
Life, especially at home, provides us with a multitude of opportunities to improve our Leadership skills. Now that you have a plan in place, the next step is to simply execute your plan. Your ego will want you to revert back to your old ways. You must shut it down. You have to force yourself through Discipline to follow through on what you planned to do. Even if it fails miserably. Even if it doesn’t work. Execute your plan.
Next time you recognize the need to Detach, simply take a few deep breaths before you do anything. Clamp your mouth shut before you speak. Take a step back from the situation.
How Can I Improve Family Leadership? Debrief Your Plan
Lastly, after your attempt is complete, you must determine how well your plan worked. Determine how well you did in your execution. And, most importantly, extract the lesson you learned that you can use to improve next time. All of this is discovered through an honest debrief with yourself. At the end of the day, or when you have a moment after an event at home, ask yourself: What did I do right? What did I do wrong? What can I do better? Then, write that down.
Maybe you didn’t take enough deep breaths. Maybe your pause wasn’t long enough. Maybe you didn’t remove yourself from the situation effectively. Whatever it is, honestly assess yourself, and figure out what you can do better.
How Can I Improve Family Leadership? Repeat the Process.
After your debrief, determine a new plan. Next time this situation arises, this is the new plan. Write the new plan down, and repeat.
Conclusion
Family Leadership is not easy. It is not glorious. It is uniquely challenging. It is the most damaging when done wrong. But, when done right, it is the most rewarding thing that we can do as human beings. Not just for you. But for the people you care about more than anything: your Family.
