Throughout every human being’s life, they will have experiences, gain knowledge, and form opinions that shape what they think and how they behave. When that same person then must interact with other human beings, they will be interacting with someone else who has a completely different set of thoughts and behaviors. Naturally, when this happens, both of these people will subsequently develop a library of actions they are willing to take and not take. Actions they are willing to tolerate from others and not tolerate. Requests that they are willing to grant and not grant. Time they are willing to give and not give. On like this, that library will continue to grow. A library of what we all know today as boundaries.
A boundary tends to be built retrospectively. Often, a person will do something, say something, react in a certain way, allow something to happen, or grant a request with trepidation in a moment when they lack the ability to thoroughly contemplate. Afterward, when they are able to think more clearly, they come to the conclusion that, in fact, what happened was not in keeping with their preferences. Subsequently, they construct a boundary around similar occurrences in the future to ensure that it never happens again. With that decision made in advance, they are now protected in instances where they again may lack the ability to process quickly.
Thus, the definition of a boundary is quite simple: it is an immovable barrier between a person and something from which they want to be protected. The walls of their house protect them from physical danger. They form a boundary around words people can and can’t say to them. Boundaries for when they will and won’t take action on tasks from work. The list of possible boundaries is quite extensive and is only limited by the ability of individuals to create them based on their experiences.
The fact is, people are correct in having boundaries. They are necessary. However, they should be reserved for actions, requests, and behaviors that are truly, beyond any doubt, impossible to tolerate. Things that are immoral, unethical, or illegal. Violations of mutually agreed upon contracts or arrangements. Physical assaults. Things that you absolutely cannot find a rational way to accept.
Given this definition and criteria, while boundaries are indeed a necessity for all human beings to have, they must also be limited in their scope and thus few in number. They should be a last resort.
In the next article in this series, we will examine the normal approach that human beings tend to take when determining and applying their boundaries.
