Every month, thousands of people search the internet for the term: “How to deal with toxic people.” And many of these searches focus on the toxic people encountered on the job: “how to deal with toxic people at work,” or “how to deal with toxic people in the workplace.” It’s a common problem that everyone, at some point, must confront. When you work with someone you don’t like or don’t get along with, it’s frustrating. It makes work much less enjoyable, and it can be a serious detriment to employee engagement, productivity, and retention. Luckily, there are leadership principles you can apply to help improve your relationship–even with someone you find to be toxic. You can learn how to deal with toxic people. Whether you like or dislike working with people you find toxic, there is a pathway to build a better relationship with them so you can successfully work together to accomplish your mission and win.
What Is a Toxic Person?
WebMD.com defines a toxic person as someone who is difficult to get along with and causes conflict in your life. Toxic people don’t know how to deal with their own stress and behave in ways that cause stress or frustration to others. Toxic people create stress and unpleasantness for you and other people, which can cause emotional and physical pain. This is why “how to deal with toxic people” is so frequently searched online.
Basically, anyone you interact with whose behavior is upsetting to you and adds negatively to your life is a toxic person. That’s a pretty broad definition.
We all have to deal with people we don’t get along with, who create stress in our lives. But there are ways to reduce the challenges of these problems. So, let’s explore the topic: how to deal with toxic people?
Ideal Steps For How To Deal With Toxic People
Navigating the challenges posed by toxic individuals is a crucial skill that you must learn to deal with, no matter what your position, title, or rank in the structure of your organization. You may have friction with a particular person. You may not get along with them. You might even despise working with them. But in many cases, such as dealing with a boss or a peer you don’t get along with, firing the toxic person might simply be beyond your control. So, you have to learn how to deal with toxic people at work. You must learn to get along with people, even those you might find toxic. Your goal as a leader is to build the best relationship you can with everybody you depend on to accomplish your mission, no matter how toxic they might be. The better relationship you have with that person, the greater your ability to influence their attitude, outlook, and interactions with others. If you have a good relationship with them, you can ensure that their toxic behavior is managed. Their negative impact can be minimized, so it doesn’t undermine your team’s morale or productivity.
Step 1: Consider Their Perspective
The first step in understanding how to deal with toxic people at work is to see the world from their perspective.
Of course, it’s always the other person we don’t get along with who is toxic. This is not a term we apply to ourselves. When we are stressed or behave in ways that cause stress or frustration to others, we often justify that behavior. Perhaps there are things in our personal lives—our personal relationships, our family, medical emergencies, or financial burdens—that cause us to behave at work in ways we might otherwise find toxic in others.
Consider that this might be the case for someone you find toxic. Instead of just writing them off as an unfixable “toxic person,” the first step in understanding how to deal with toxic people is to consider their perspective.
Sometimes, toxic behavior stems from personal struggles or a lack of awareness. Offering support, such as counseling or professional development resources, can help individuals address and correct their behavior.
Ask them earnest questions—a question to which you actually seek an answer. Example: “It seems like you are frustrated. What is it that is causing you frustrations?” Then, listen to what they have to say. Sometimes people just need an outlet to vent. Perhaps they just need some encouragement. It could be that their complaints or frustrations are real and worthy of merit. See what you can do to help them. This will go a long way to improving your relationship, reducing their toxicity, and enabling you to successfully work alongside someone you might otherwise find challenging.
Step 2: Foster a Positive Environment
The second step in understanding how to deal with toxic people is to foster a positive environment. Negativity can become a habit. In Jocko Willink’s book, Leadership Strategy and Tactics, he describes a technique he calls “Reflect and Diminish.” When someone expresses frustrations or has an emotional outburst, what is most likely to happen if you tell them to “just calm down?” They generally do the opposite. Instead, you should reflect some of that emotion back, but diminish it, and show them that you empathize with their frustration. Let them know that you understand the challenges they are dealing with and see their perspective. Then you can focus that emotion in a positive direction to work toward problem resolution. For example, if someone you might otherwise find toxic expresses frustration about the new paperwork they are now required to submit, you should respond: “I know that it’s frustrating. We already have so much paperwork to submit. Sometimes, it feels like we don’t have time to do our actual jobs. But I bet it’s not as time-consuming as you might think once you get the hang of it. Let’s think of some ways we can knock out the paperwork more efficiently so we can get the senior leaders what they need.” In learning how to deal with toxic people at work, create a positive environment by channeling emotions and negativity toward the resolution of the problems that are the root cause of their frustrations.
Step 3: Give Them Ownership
The third step in learning how to deal with toxic people is to give them ownership. Often, people have a negative outlook when they don’t feel they have any control or influence on their situation. This negativity leads to toxicity and can lead to cynical and unmotivated employees. The solution to this problem is counterintuitive. When someone has a negative attitude or seems toxic, find something for which you can put them in charge. This shouldn’t be the most strategically critical aspect of plans or execution, but it should be something worthwhile. For example, if someone the team views as toxic complains about the weekly training schedule, ask that person if they could take the lead on developing the training schedule for next week. It’s hard to complain about a plan when it’s your plan. Most people want to make a positive contribution, and giving them ownership gives them that opportunity. It feeds their ego and gives them a sense of control. Often, understanding how to deal with toxic people in the workplace comes down to recognizing that they simply lack any sense of ownership over their work. If you’re a boss and can give that to them, or if you’re a peer or subordinate and you can encourage them to take ownership, you can get the problem solved.
Step 4: Minimize Negative Impact
The fourth step in recognizing how to deal with toxic people is to understand that if you’ve made every effort at the first three steps but have been unsuccessful in reducing a person’s toxicity and negative impact on the team, you might need to minimize their impact. If you’re a boss dealing with a toxic subordinate, consider moving the person who is toxic to a different role where they can have the least negative impact on the team. Once you have made every effort to help but haven’t seen improvement, you may need to consult your HR department about formal written counseling or a performance improvement plan. Not every toxic person is fixable. It could be that your team will be better off if you let this person go. If the toxic person is a peer or a boss, you must make every effort to minimize their negative impact on the team. Filter communications so that you reframe things in a positive light and prevent the toxicity and negativity from affecting your team and your mission. If conditions are serious enough that the toxic person has a significant negative impact on your ability to accomplish your mission, you should consult with your HR department or seek guidance from someone higher up the chain of command. This is how to deal with toxic people at work.
NOW YOU HAVE A BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC PEOPLE
Knowledge means nothing if you don’t take action. Knowing how to deal with toxic people doesn’t help you if you don’t take action. You can’t improve relationships and make your life better or your team more effective just by reading an article, sitting through a workshop, or reading a single book. It takes consistent effort on a daily or weekly basis. You have to do the work.
Consistent daily discipline is the path to victory. Extreme Ownership is the guide down that path. If you find yourself reading this article, you are not alone.
At Echelon Front, we’ve helped thousands of men and women just like you learn how to deal with toxic people at work, build better relationships with everyone they work with, and become better leaders. If you’re tired of being frustrated that the people in your organization aren’t better leaders, then it’s time to do something about it.
Here’s what I want you to do now: Click this link and visit Extreme Ownership Academy, our online resource for leadership development for people just like you who want to learn how to be better leaders and build more effective leadership development programs for their leaders.
Leif Babin
Leif Babin, a former U.S. Navy SEAL officer, President and co-founder of Echelon Front LLC, a premier leadership consulting and training company, and co-author, alongside Jocko Willink, of the New York Times best-selling books, Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALS Lead and Win, and the Dichotomy of Leadership: Balancing the Challenges of Extreme Ownership to Lead and Win. Echelon Front teaches the principles of Extreme Ownership and the Dichotomy of Leadership to help leaders learn to build, train, and lead their own high-performance teams to accomplish the mission and win.
