As discussed in the previous article, it is our natural human tendency to erect boundaries more readily and frequently than is necessary or ideal. This occurs due to many of the other multitude of tendencies that human beings follow: blaming others, taking the easy path, thinking short term, over-thinking long term, and allowing our emotions to dictate our actions. And these boundary-setting actions that are dictated by our emotions, just like all other actions in life, have consequences.
Newton’s Third Law of Motion states every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This law also applies to leadership and relationships. However, instead of dealing with forces and objects, we are dealing with people. Where this law differs in regard to people is that every action we take as leaders will have a reaction, but that reaction can either be one that opposes or one that amplifies. The difference is in whether or not the action is founded in sound leadership principles, or not. But, make no mistake, any action you take toward people will inevitably be met with some sort of reaction.
And, sadly, just like all other actions that are driven by our natural human tendencies, setting boundaries most commonly does not have a reaction which is positive.
Damages Relationships
Teamwork is foundational for teams to be successful. Without it, the different groups that comprise an organization will behave as individuals prioritizing their own needs, and failure is almost guaranteed. When this happens, we refer to it as “building silos.” While this most commonly occurs between different groups of people within the same organization, it can also happen between individual people on a team.
Silos are built by boundaries. So, ultimately, when you set a boundary, you are effectively building a silo around yourself, separating you from other people on the team.
The core tool that people utilize to effectively work together as a team is relationships. The better relationships people have with one another, the less they will see themselves as individuals, the more they will see themselves as a team, and the better they will work together. When you set a boundary and construct a silo around yourself, the reaction that occurs will most commonly damage the relationship with the person or the group of people for whom the boundary is intended.
For example, if you have a boundary around your time such that you do not answer the phone after work hours, and a colleague calls you with a sincere need of help, and you don’t answer, how will that affect the relationship between the two of you? Will that person trust you more or less when they need help next time? Will they be more or less likely to help you when you need help? In most cases, the answer is they will be less inclined to do so.
As such, setting a boundary will most commonly negatively affect relationships and, thus teamwork.
Puts the Ego in the Driver’s Seat
The number one destroyer of good leadership is the ego because effective leaders put the team before themselves, and the ego puts itself before everything and everyone else. As explored in the previous article, the ego is the all-encompassing force in charge of all of the tendencies that lead to boundary creation.
Thus, when you put up a boundary driven by the ego, all further actions within that boundary will also be driven by your ego. Since you are now in a silo that is designed to protect yourself, all actions you take will be meant to do just that. You will not listen. You will not keep an open mind. You will not put the team before yourself. You will not give people the benefit of the doubt. You will not accept ownership. All actions are dictated by the rules of the boundary.
The reaction you will get from people outside of this boundary will most likely also be ego-driven in the opposite direction. Since, from within your boundary, you will not be willing to listen to any opinion that would tear that boundary down, the other person will not listen to you from outside of your boundary. The same will occur with open-mindedness. If you stay within your boundaries, protecting yourself instead of opening yourself up to risk on behalf of the team, they will do the same. They will not take risks on your behalf. And, since your boundary will prevent you from taking ownership, they will assume that you blame them. And, as always happens, when someone feels blamed, they will most likely reflect that blame right back onto the one blaming them.
Any boundary that you put up will engage both your ego and the other person’s ego. And, when you have two egos in conflict, nothing good can come of it. Thus, any boundary you set around yourself will also be set by other people around you as well.
You won’t answer calls after work hours? They won’t take your calls. You won’t take on extra work to help the team? They won’t take on any, either. And on and on, tit for tat, until everything collapses.
Prevents Improvement
Quite often, people will put boundaries around actions they will not perform under any circumstances. For example, some people will say, “I don’t run.” Or they will say, “I don’t speak in front of people.” The number of examples of things people will not do is as long as the fears they have.
Ultimately, that is what drives boundaries such as these. A person is afraid of something, and so instead of doing the work to overcome that fear and having another tool in their toolbelt, they create an excuse to set a boundary around it.
Once again, the result is not likely to be good. What if the team needs you to speak, but you have an anti-speaking boundary? What if your family wants to go for a run, but you don’t do that? Any boundary around certain behaviors will prevent you from being able to execute them in a time of need.
And, while some people may accept that you simply don’t do those things, the fact that you cannot do something that the team needs you to do will affect how that team operates in a negative way. The team will trust you less. The team will rely on you less.
Thus, not only will you stifle your own growth as a human being, but you will stifle the team.
In the first article in this series, it was said that “while boundaries are indeed a necessity for all human beings to have, they must also be limited in their scope and thus few in number. They should be a last resort.”
Yes, there certainly are places and circumstances in which a boundary is necessary. For example, anything that is illegal, unethical, or immoral. However, the tendency around boundaries is to set them much more readily than is needed or ideal.
Regardless of whether or not the boundary is justified, however, the above consequences will occur. Even in the case of not doing something illegal, the relationship that you have with the person asking you to do it will be damaged. Now, in this particular case, setting that boundary is well worth the damage to the relationship. But, is every boundary really worth the damage that will be caused by it?That is the operative question. Is the boundary I am setting really worth the negative consequences that are going to occur as a result? And, most likely, the answer is no.
